So, it seems that I am currently carrying around two butts worth of butt. I know this because we started a new fitness program. Something so revolutionary, so cutting edge, so amazingly effective that it is sure to change not only our physiques, but our very lives. You’ve probably read about it in Self or Mens Health magazine, you’ve seen the chiseled bodies of it’s participants on the infomercial, I’m willing to bet they’ve talked about it on Armstrong & Getty – yes, ladies and gentlemen – it’s the P90X Beach Body Workout!…or the PX9000, er XP9090, er….whatever. You know what I’m talking about. DVD’s, push ups, chin ups, karate, yoga, some made up thing called plyometrics – yup, it’s all there. Waiting to sculpt, tone, rip, and transform that tired sagging lump of mush you call a body into a rippling, smooth, greasy Adonis.
Steve and I decided that enough is enough. We are ready to answer our true calling as fitness models. We waited anxiously as each of the DVD workouts downloaded. We ate…alot….because we knew that this was the end of the road for refined sugars, excess fats and high GI foods. We told ourselves we were “carbo-loading”, you know, preparing our bodies with the energy they would need for the new daily regimen we were about to embark on. We were pumped.
Then, Steve said that before we start we should take pictures. In swimsuits.
Now, I have a pretty firm “no, not today, never ever no, no way, hell no, you may not take my picture in a bikini” rule. But. This is different, right? This was a moment to capture and compare the sloppy, dimpley wreck that I was to the long, sleek package of hotness that I would be in just 90 days. So I agreed to Bikini pics. Now, I knew it was bad. I mean, I haven’t worked out regularly in a year and half (and it wasn’t great back then), so I was prepared to not like what I saw. But NO WAY! Seriously, two butts worth of butt. Two, dos, deux!!! The photos looked as if they had been taken through a fun house mirror. Only I didn’t look like a midget, or have super long arms and a giant head. It was rear end from mid back to just above the knees, long and wide like the Sacramento valley. We took photos from four angles, front, back and both sides, which were all pretty horrific – but the back – oh, the back….
Anyway, we did start working out (with a great deal of motivation) although we are not being Nazis about following food rules, so our beach bodies may take a bit more than 90 days to emerge. I’m okay with that. Truthfully, working out with Steve is fun and I want to impress him, so I work way harder than I would on my own. And it’s something I really need to be doing to improve both my physical and mental health. So I’m on board for more than just asthetic reasons. I need to do this to help stave off depression, to increase my energy level, and to control thyroid problems. The inevitable reduction in the size of the cargo hold I’m dragging behind me is like a bonus. A big, giant, super, mega bonus.
But, I need you to pray for me, for us. Some days, we need to get up at 5am to work out before our day starts. And, we’ve begun to fight illness and insomnia which have made it easy to compromise on getting in our daily program of pain and torture. So overall, even the pic of my double size caboose isn’t enough to keep me going when I should. If you could pray for us, for good health, and good rest, and no excuses, that would be great. I really want to be healthy and strong. And I truley believe that it honors God when we take good care of ourselves. So help a sista out, okay? Pray for me. Thanks.