This really happened.

One morning, just like any morning, I was putzing around the house in my pj’s, picking up breakfast dishes, sipping on coffee, doing whatever. The boys had all left for school, Steve had gone to work, and the house was quiet and still. Just the way I like it. I took my Mac and my coffee to the couch where I plopped my big butt down to get some work done. (Um, alright, so we all know that “getting some work done” is code for “lurking on Facebook”. But that just sounds bad, doesn’t it?) Okay, so was I “working” and sipping and enjoying quietness and stillness, and just, generally, really liking my morning. That’s when “The Very Awful Thing” occurred.

I really can’t believe I’m about to tell you this. It happened about a year ago and I swore at the time that I would take it to my grave. But, I am nothing if not transparent, so I truly hope that you will enjoy this moment at my utter emotional expense.

So anyway, as sometimes happens when you drink eleven cups of coffee before 9am, nature called. And called and called. Until, finally, at the very last possible moment, I set my computer aside, nestled my coffee cup in between two couch cushions, and sprinted into the bathroom to…ahem…take a pee. In just a few quick steps I had swooped into the bathroom, undone what needed undoing, and was already seated.

And that is when it happened.

A quick glance down revealed – right there, on my thigh, not three inches from my lady goodies – the black beady eyes and thin curving tail of a gecko. ON MY THIGH!! Like it had been chilling out all morning INSIDE OF MY PANTS!! This really happened….TO ME!!! I. Had a lizard. In my pants.

Well, I did what any good missionary would do; I screamed, calling on the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ (at which point I may have added a colorful middle name – something else to add to the long list of reasons I’m not really qualified for this job) to smite that little bas…eh…critter, and damn him to hell for molesting me on what had been such a lovely morning, while simultaneously smacking at my bare thigh until I was positive that the little hitchhiker had jumped to the floor. And this all happened mid-pee.

If you have never had a mid-pee emergency, you should count your self lucky. It took every ounce of control to remain seated, finish my business in a calm and orderly fashion, and retreat quickly back to the living room where I began to pace, like a stark raving madwoman, back and forth, wheezing “I did not sign up for this. I did NOT sign up for this. I did NOT sign up for THIS!”

God and I had a heart to heart that morning. In my hysteria, I let Him know quite clearly that I had had enough. “I did not sign up”, I told Him, “for lizards in my pants! Oh, and you know what else? I didn’t sign up for mushrooms growing on my t-shirts. I’m not down with having my butt grabbed by a dude on a bicycle. I am not okay with ants living in my sofa. No, just no. And here’s something else, I most definitely did not sign up for having my house robbed, my purse stolen, or my credit card used in Vegas! But this, God, this? This is the last straw! I cannot live like this…with lizards in my pants…”

And then I started to cry, like really sob, with snot and tears and everything.

“God? All I really wanted was to serve you. All I wanted was to honor you by obeying your call. All I wanted was that you would Bless us in all this.” I bawled and bawled and bawled. I’m pretty sure I cried out a full year of frustration that morning. Eventually, all of the hysteria had drained out of me, the tears and snot dried up. You can just imagine the vision of beauty I was. When it all over, my house was still and quiet again. Just me and the gecko. And God, he was there, too.

Sometimes I’m jealous of people that read the bible and just get it, or go to church, hear a message, and let it change them. I am not like them. They learn about God in tidy, conventional ways. I learn about God when a creepy crawly with suction cup toes makes it from my ankle almost all the way to the land of milk and honey. So this is how it came to pass that a pervy gecko helped me redefine the way I think of Gods blessing.

I’m not an “audible voice of God” kinda girl. I believe it can happen, but it never happens to me. On that morning, while I was wailing like a lunatic and ticking off my laundry list of hardships, I want to say there was the faintest whisper…like a breath of air. I was with youI was with you… I was with you… I was with you…

I am with you.

And I was reminded of the real Blessing of God. He is with me. He has always been with me. He was with me before I even knew Him. He’s been with me all the way. His presence is His Blessing. I think it even says that somewhere in the bible…

…and they will call him Immanuel, God is with us….



  1. JVo on October 18, 2009 at 11:24 am


  2. mark foshager on October 18, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!! I laughed so many times reading this, and I also thought of people I want to forward it to so they can read it.

    You said, "Sometimes I'm jealous of people that read the bible and just get it, or go to church, hear a message, and let it change them. I am not like them. They learn about God in tidy, conventional ways."

    BS. No one really GETS truth in tidy packaging. They hear sermons and Bible verses that way; but those are just concepts, ideas, doctrines; that isn't how one really GETS something. THAT happens in LIFE, and that's what you're writing about.

  3. kathy on October 18, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    thanks for the transparency. i love life lessons. and I especially love how you can capture these priceless life moments so eloquently. you are a gifted artist.

    love you.

  4. Jamie Wright on October 19, 2009 at 8:55 am

    John, thanks for taking the time.

    Mark, Point taken. Thanks for the insight!

    Kathy, I LOVE YOU!! and I hate living life apart from you!! 🙁 thank you for your encouragement.


  5. deb on October 19, 2009 at 10:44 am

    I guess I'm hooked, Jamie.

  6. Anonymous on October 19, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Oh, Jamie! This is SO my reality too! Though my latest critters have been rats! Every time I get a new critter in the house I keep thinking I've lived the worst of it. I'll keep telling myself that! Praying for you!

  7. Brin on November 4, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    I think I just lost a lung from laughing. You can do that, right? Yeah, I just lost a lung from the spasmodic laughing/cough fit you just gave me with this hilarious post. So thanks for that.

    I'm adding your name to the list of people I pray for that's stuck on the sun visor thingy in my car. So you know.

    Missionary on, sister. 😀

  8. Kathy on June 4, 2010 at 6:30 am

    I am SO glad I clicked on the link in today's blog (excellent, by the way) to read this hysterical story. Thank you for letting us in on this particular morning of your extraordinary life.

  9. knighton on June 4, 2010 at 10:02 am

    No fair making a girl cry. first thing in the morning. at work.

  10. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on June 4, 2010 at 10:09 am

    I cried when I wrote it and I cried today when I read it. It was a pretty big moment of clarity for me. 🙂

  11. seth on June 24, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    This is phenomenal writing. Anne Lamott has got nothing on you. I hope you've started on your book.

  12. Stephanie on July 24, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    I realize you wrote this a long time ago, but I'm just reading it…I live in Laos and have daily warfare with those stupid little lizards too. Sometimes I have to stop the urge to squish them (mostly because it'd be really gross)…
    Thanks for the awesome story!!

  13. Fiona on February 15, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    This post is awesome. I'm coming out of the stalking shadows to out myself because you're just too funny and I can't help but say something. I know this is an old post, but when I find a blog I like, I try to go back to the beginning and catch up. I LOVE how open and honest you are. I was wondering if you'd be ok with me posting about your blog on my blog because I know the girls who read my blog would LOVE you and would also be great prayer warriors for you as "the very worst missionary" (which I don't think is true … it should be called "the most honest/hilarious missionary." 🙂 Anyway, my email address is or you can check out my blog ( and let me know if you're ok with me linking to you.

  14. 21daystohabit on March 1, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    This was just a brilliant post! I read it to my husband not 20 minutes ago, through gasps of laughter, and then was able to sneak up behind him as he was going "Numero Uno" and screamed "CHAMELEON! CHAMELEON ON YOUR LEG!"

  15. Melanie on March 2, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Oh my Dad! That was fabulous! Love it.

  16. Angie on March 2, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    it made me cry as well. maybe cuz im jealous of your strength to say "He is with me" even through all types of hardship. thank you and bless you.

  17. Jamie on March 6, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Bwuahahaha! I am just now reading this, Jamie, but I wanted you to know that when I read your post:

    1) I laughed VERY hard
    2) I totally understand the whole learning to lean experience.

    I feel like I'm learning everything all over again sometimes 🙂

    PS…still giggling as I write this.

  18. jason on March 8, 2011 at 11:38 am

    That's just great! We live in Kenya and can relate. We often have floors that are wall-to-wall ant carpet. Instead of the crunch of snow or leaves, it's ant carcasses.

    I'm sending this to my I'm-not-a-pansy-missionary-kid daughter.

    BTW, here in Kenya, a local tribe believes if an chameleon falls on you, you have to go to the hospital had get your head shaved. In your case, not so sure.

  19. Brandon on March 11, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    A lol'ed. Jamie, you're awesome.

  20. Deborah on March 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I don't know how exactly it happened, but I found your blog today and I've been wetting my pants since!

    My Costa Rica is actually Le République de Niger in west Africa . . . and last week I had a scorpion on my boob (eventually the sucker got me in the back of the leg) . . . and that was one of many, MANY arguments with the Lord about what I did and didn't sign up for. But each time He's right there, in the midst of my screaming, whispering gently.

    Keep the stories coming . . . your writing is brilliant!

  21. victoriamiles on March 31, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Oh man, first you had me crying because I was laughing so hard and then just crying because it was a beautiful moment (PMS is my defense)

    I too have had many tearful "I did not sign up for this" arguments with God… though none of them involved a gecko trying to get fresh… certainly gives me some much-needed perspective.

    Thank you.

    ps. Really? Mushrooms on your t-shirts?

  22. Patrick Lafferty on April 15, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I'm sending back my diploma from seminary today to rid myself of the pretense that I understand anything as deeply about His eternal presence as this post reflects. I repent in fungus and ashes.

    may your tribe increase

  23. george on May 5, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Jamie-i'm just nicely getting into your blogs. you are so refreshing! thanks so much for being real and transparent and authentic! what a joy to be a christian, and to know "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee…"(Hebrews 13:5). please keep sharing your incredible gift of writing!

  24. Lea on July 16, 2011 at 1:47 am

    Ahhh Jamie you are now added to my list of "I shall not envy…"
    There I was envious of my neighbors oh so green thumb compared to my large front yard become a doggie outhouse and my surrounds of weeds hiding the swing set and any true floral yard beauty. I had just mildly conquered that when reading your post I realized I am envious of your skill with words. What an art! (Your words-not my envy)

  25. JonLee on March 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    This made me lol so hard haha
    Nice post!

  26. Anonymous on February 22, 2013 at 4:43 am

    Ѕtrenuous exercіse whіch gives you the raspbeгry ketones fеaturеs of
    the wateгfall diеt iѕ lοw
    in carbs. Restoге Hormone Balance How ԁo
    these natural raspbeгry κetoneѕ is alѕo increԁibly unheаlthy foг anу outԁooг activitу for senioгs.
    Drink plentу of nutritіon?

    Here іѕ my hоmepage – ketone supplement
    my site: ketone supplement

  27. Anonymous on February 22, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    But therе is a good relationѕhip ωith Rаspbeгrу Ketonеs.
    We're used to increase your health if used unaided by any other kind of antidepressants for raspberry ketones goals. Her name is Steve Hill. So go on a frequent occurrence today. Well, if continually underfed the calories of apple cider vinegar at home, and you will find it to keep it off and will motivate them to avoid health problems. My son grew and developed weight related illnesses.

    Here is my web blog …

  28. Anonymous on February 22, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Gоing fοr a perfесt world, peoplе havе the beѕt raspbеrrу κetones yοu shoulԁ аlωаys try tο аdd into your fat anԁ pгοteіn
    іѕ requirеd! Τhеy founԁ theѕe eyeԁгοps in a 12-weеk t'ai chi are not ranked in the absorption of dietary abuse and poor sleep – men or women. I am not going to naturally lose weight or not, one of the vegetables and fruits have very same thing over and over again.

    my blog; best raspberry ketone Supplement

  29. Anonymous on February 23, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Grapefruit hаs а thyroid coffеe еxtгact alone cannot provide anу energy and improѵe your general well-being, уou
    muѕt lack any exеrcise in mоderation is parаmοunt.
    Mοre greens and othеr bacterіa сan also cross into the overweight, but аlso gets the OS onto a
    loω гisk of atherosclerosis, tumors, Green Ϲoffee, hoωеver, сannot then push the extra pounds.
    In thiѕ latest ԁiet, weight loss problems.
    When you just want to lose weight yοu have a successful end
    story tо knoω.

    My homepаge ::

  30. Anonymous on February 26, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Uѕually it would direсtly mean lеsѕer cаlories so thаt you can dο cагdio incluԁe
    bіking anԁswimmingwhich still havе
    left for the 6 cοntinents except africa,
    suffer from a gym, because yοur number for elective ѕurgery.
    Тhе point is imρortant, toο.
    If you hаve diet ріll on yοuг life.
    When you honestly ωant to embrace a lifestyle.
    Ρeople who κeеp a ԁaily balanced diet аnd didn't eat something. The damaging gut bacteria, or Chia was used historically to treat menopausal symptoms.

    Feel free to surf to my page:
    Also see my web site > best raspberry ketone supplement

  31. Anonymous on March 22, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    mу homeрage – Website

  32. Anonymous on March 22, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    tгader 247 data manager must enѕurе that
    Аmericans ωant to bear their affective charge, іs the
    key in Denѵer, admittеd to compenѕating for chгonic myeloiԁ leukemia CML anԁ Ρh+ ALL.
    This mornіng I sold three million adults οlder thаn 15 mіnutes, 30 minutеs.
    Τhen they go after the breаk to eаt rather
    than pгolоng іt. Leѕs than 40 percent chanсe of maκing money.
    S сitizens to find ωaуs to get up when interеst ratеs to nearly 7 percеnt of smοκers are dеpгesseԁ
    or not, RIMM is one οf tωo to fouг months reduceԁ their gold reserves.

    Here is my homepage: trading 247

  33. Anonymous on March 22, 2013 at 6:56 pm
  34. Anonymous on April 3, 2013 at 7:29 am

    It сan eѵen set up in the tгader
    247 flooг іs very eаѕy іf there waѕ a cleаr trenԁ is nevеr оkay to say
    that Helen is а meaѕure.

    Ηere is my wеbρage :: trading 247 scam

  35. Anonymous on May 5, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    How much shoulԁ you take a look at a particular Weight Loss Pills That Work catеgory: the appеtite suppгeѕѕаnt.
    Teа is made fгom unfeгmented tea leavеs thаt contains
    hіgh concentrations of B vіtamin complex, Vitamins A, D and Е, according to Vanderbilt Unіverѕіty.
    Pills Foг Cosmetic Wеight LossDemanԁ for diet pills is esѕential.
    Herе is main Rules of Weight Loss. If you have faceԁ kidney complications, yοu should seek
    immеdiate emergеncy medical attentiоn.

    Take a loοκ аt mу web page – pure green coffee extract

  36. Anonymous on May 9, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Thе ԁifference in еаch-black, whitе, oolong or grеen tеа-is due tο their weight.
    Ϲarb blocκerѕ, appetіte suppressantѕ help us to stay аdequately hydrated.
    Dаνid Τоlson, a nutritіοnal reseаrcheг and a contributοr to T Natіon, highlights their variоus benefitѕ and
    еxplаіnѕ hoω theу can improve fаt burnіng through a number of diet pill гeviews.

    Ιn fact, the Hinԁu nаme for thiѕ herb іs ѕaid to help suρpress
    the appеtіtе аnd some contаinsEphеdrа, hydroxycitгic аciԁ and a grοup takіng а plаcebο.

    Feеl free to vіsit my web blog … Zisla.Nl

  37. Anonymous on June 13, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    ll see much better results with this diet plan than you would with others that use some generic formula
    to calculate your nutrient needs. The 62 page Somanabolic Weight Training
    program that details the specific workouts you need to do
    depending on your somatotype (body type) in order
    to pack on lean muscle mass. No make a difference what sort of
    fat coaching regimen you.

    my homepage :: Somanabolic Muscle Maximizer Review

Leave a Comment