One morning, just like any morning, I was putzing around the house in my pj’s, picking up breakfast dishes, sipping on coffee, doing whatever. The boys had all left for school, Steve had gone to work, and the house was quiet and still. Just the way I like it. I took my Mac and my coffee to the couch where I plopped my big butt down to get some work done. (Um, alright, so we all know that “getting some work done” is code for “lurking on Facebook”. But that just sounds bad, doesn’t it?) Okay, so was I “working” and sipping and enjoying quietness and stillness, and just, generally, really liking my morning. That’s when “The Very Awful Thing” occurred.
I really can’t believe I’m about to tell you this. It happened about a year ago and I swore at the time that I would take it to my grave. But, I am nothing if not transparent, so I truly hope that you will enjoy this moment at my utter emotional expense.
So anyway, as sometimes happens when you drink eleven cups of coffee before 9am, nature called. And called and called. Until, finally, at the very last possible moment, I set my computer aside, nestled my coffee cup in between two couch cushions, and sprinted into the bathroom to…ahem…take a pee. In just a few quick steps I had swooped into the bathroom, undone what needed undoing, and was already seated.
And that is when it happened.
A quick glance down revealed – right there, on my thigh, not three inches from my lady goodies – the black beady eyes and thin curving tail of a gecko. ON MY THIGH!! Like it had been chilling out all morning INSIDE OF MY PANTS!! This really happened….TO ME!!! I. Had a lizard. In my pants.
Well, I did what any good missionary would do; I screamed, calling on the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ (at which point I may have added a colorful middle name – something else to add to the long list of reasons I’m not really qualified for this job) to smite that little bas…eh…critter, and damn him to hell for molesting me on what had been such a lovely morning, while simultaneously smacking at my bare thigh until I was positive that the little hitchhiker had jumped to the floor. And this all happened mid-pee.
If you have never had a mid-pee emergency, you should count your self lucky. It took every ounce of control to remain seated, finish my business in a calm and orderly fashion, and retreat quickly back to the living room where I began to pace, like a stark raving madwoman, back and forth, wheezing “I did not sign up for this. I did NOT sign up for this. I did NOT sign up for THIS!”
God and I had a heart to heart that morning. In my hysteria, I let Him know quite clearly that I had had enough. “I did not sign up”, I told Him, “for lizards in my pants! Oh, and you know what else? I didn’t sign up for mushrooms growing on my t-shirts. I’m not down with having my butt grabbed by a dude on a bicycle. I am not okay with ants living in my sofa. No, just no. And here’s something else, I most definitely did not sign up for having my house robbed, my purse stolen, or my credit card used in Vegas! But this, God, this? This is the last straw! I cannot live like this…with lizards in my pants…”
And then I started to cry, like really sob, with snot and tears and everything.
“God? All I really wanted was to serve you. All I wanted was to honor you by obeying your call. All I wanted was that you would Bless us in all this.” I bawled and bawled and bawled. I’m pretty sure I cried out a full year of frustration that morning. Eventually, all of the hysteria had drained out of me, the tears and snot dried up. You can just imagine the vision of beauty I was. When it all over, my house was still and quiet again. Just me and the gecko. And God, he was there, too.
Sometimes I’m jealous of people that read the bible and just get it, or go to church, hear a message, and let it change them. I am not like them. They learn about God in tidy, conventional ways. I learn about God when a creepy crawly with suction cup toes makes it from my ankle almost all the way to the land of milk and honey. So this is how it came to pass that a pervy gecko helped me redefine the way I think of Gods blessing.
I’m not an “audible voice of God” kinda girl. I believe it can happen, but it never happens to me. On that morning, while I was wailing like a lunatic and ticking off my laundry list of hardships, I want to say there was the faintest whisper…like a breath of air. I was with you… I was with you… I was with you… I was with you…
I am with you.
And I was reminded of the real Blessing of God. He is with me. He has always been with me. He was with me before I even knew Him. He’s been with me all the way. His presence is His Blessing. I think it even says that somewhere in the bible…
…and they will call him Immanuel, God is with us….