I’m thinking about starting a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog where I can say mean but true things about people that I hate.
Of course, I wouldn’t actually do this… mostly because I’m afraid of being sued for libel, and fired, and unfriended on Facebook. And then it’s maybe not the most productive use of my time, you know, as a Missionary and all. And also, I don’t think God would like it much. So there’s that.
It’s just that sometimes people do things…super. retarded. things…and I reeeeally want to tell you. Ok, what I really want to do is tell THEM, the stupid people, how stupid they are. But I can’t. Ok, I could. But I shouldn’t. Oh man… sometimes I am so in tune with God’s will, it’s like, crazy! Did you see that? That was right out of 2 Cor 10:5b (ok, I made up the “b” part, but that’s the part that applies here). I am good.
Oh my gosh, I know what I can do, I’ve totally got it – An advice column! Seriously, think about it. I could not be more qualified to give people advice or, if you prefer, “wise counsel”. Check it out, here are the top 10 reasons I should have my own advice column:
1. I am a freaking missionary. You have no idea how smart that makes me.
2. Being just slightly, in the tiniest way, older than he was in his ‘God as Man’ years, I now have a bit more life experience than Jesus.
3. I have been married to El Chupacabra for HALF my years. That should count for something.
4. I was pretty much a child bride, BUT, before that I dated a lot of horrible guys, and I did a lot of horrible things with those guys, so that, more or less, makes me an authority on dating and all of the icky awkward things that go with it.
5. I have 3 kids and they are all…um…still alive…
6. My child rearing experience includes raising smart kids, dumb kids, and totally average kids, also good, bad, and average athlete kids, and gay, straight, and straight-but-loves-show tunes kids (although the jury is still out on this one, so I’m just speculating. And, I hate the word speculating, just sayin‘.)
7. Umm….hold on..I’ll think of something….
8. I just figured out how to arrange the pillows on my bed as a sort of throne of blogging comfort. It’s amazing. I’d like to use it as often as possible.
9. Also, I am considered a bit of an expert in these areas: Teen Pregnancy, Booze, Bad house keeping, Doing stuff when you should be doing other stuff, Sarcasm, Fear that the children will write a memoir, Bad timing, Being Late, Looking at shoes when everyone else is praying, Travel, Food, Cross-cultural mortification, Wishing someone dead for no good reason, Wishing for gummy bears, Wishing I had more money for no good reason, Self-deprecation, Angst, Teen angst, Mom angst, Wife angst, Christian angst, Missionary angst, Wishing I was incredibly “hot”, Living in a faraway land, Daydreaming, Giving the stink-eye, and Eating disorders of all sorts, including, but not limited to; I-wish-I-had-a-tape-wormexia, Someone-once-told-me-I-have-“Jew-camp-arms”-and-I-liked-itimia, and I-got-caught-pouring-Cookie-Crisp-directly-into-my-mouth-from-the-box-at-1-a.m.ania.
But, here is the very best part, this is so great:
10. We can call it, drum roll please……. Ask Jamie How Missionaries Do It !!!! That’s great, right?! Like so incredibly perfect, isn’t it? Jeez, it just makes me smile….
So this is gonna be epic. The best Christian advice column on the interwebs (if “best” means “hopefully not most offensive”)! Send your questions, conundrums, and humiliating private life issues to Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, email@example.com, post-haste my friend. We’re gonna get your junk all cleaned up pronto!