The Death Defying Adventures of the VWM

Today, I’m flying to California with my two younger sons (El Chupacabra and the oldest will fly out on Saturday after camp) where we will celebrate Christmas and New Years, as well as, five family birthdays! Mmmm, good times…

Our flight is delayed. But I don’t mind at all! Really, I don’t. I hate flying so much that every time they announce another 5 minute delay, I feel like my life has been extended by God…like as a personal favor…and I give him a little “thanks for letting me live” nod. I seriously hate flying. Hate it. It fills me with dread so that every time I buy airfare, I think to my self, “This can’t end well…”

So here I am, in our little Juan Santa Maria International airport…waiting to die. I totally understand the statistics behind it and everything, I know that I have a much greater chance being killed in a car accident than a plane crash. That’s totally fine with me – I’m not afraid of dying. I am, however, afraid of falling out of the sky. The idea of…

You have GOT to be kidding me! ….I’m sorry, can you hold on a sec?

Um, hey Slappy! Yeah, you and your leathery friend. *Pointing*, YOU, the two guys shouting about your skanky Costa Rican sexploits. Um, could you please, please, PLEASE shut the hell up?? Pretty please? I mean, it’s cool and all, how you “got busy” with the fat chick in red boots, and also that hot blond that stupidly asked you for taxi money afterward. And I’m real happy that the dirty hooker only charged you 40 bucks. That’s just great! No, really…it’s awesome. I mean, I can’t get enough of your sleazy, morning-after voices, loudly recounting how you left your wife and kid at home and found your way here, where you, apparently, porked one third of the female population. Good for you. But, if you could just, you know, like, tone it down a little? No, no, not for me, I mean, I am a prudish missionary and everything, but I’m asking for the sake of my 9 and 11 year old sons who don’t yet appreciate terms like “delicious piece of snake bait“ or,…what was that other one? Oh, yes, I think you actually used the words “bar-fly-macaroni-muncher”. Mmm, yeah. So maybe, take it down a notch? or six? That would be super. Thanks. And, by the way, I’m not exactly sure what “making a splash landing” means, but I’m pretty sure that whatever you “splashed” into was just brimming with gonorrhea. Oh, and, I hope your wiener rots off. And that your poor wife leaves your old, leathery ass and finds herself a young, rich, male-supermodel that values her as a human being while simultaneously filling you with feelings of inadequacy. I say that with love. And grace. I’m a missionary, you know….Oh, and Jesus loves you!

And now, they’re calling us to board, so I didn’t even get to finish my rant about my fear of going splat…which I’m pretty sure I’m about to do….

If I never blog again, I want you to know, this has been cool. Thanks for reading, friends.



  1. Christy Polek on December 16, 2009 at 3:17 am

    Oh my wow. You're hilarious. And I'm fairly new to your blog but haven't said hello yet. So, hello! =)
    I'm the opposite. I love flying and being in airports so much. When my flights are delayed, I am thrilled because I get to spend more time in the airport. And more time people watching. Though if I had to hear a conversation like the one you just described, I would defintely be ready to get on the plane and away from it.
    Anyway, have fun in California! You'll be in my state! =) hopefully we'll have some good 'ol cali weather while you're here!

  2. Missionaries in La Ceiba, Honduras on December 16, 2009 at 7:19 am

    Hey girl – safe travels – say "hello" to all the hot spots – you are more than welcome to give me a play-by-play at In-N-Out, a glass of wine at BJ's, some sushi at well – any ol' place, make sure you say I LOVE YOU to Target, or Wal Mart at 2am (just because you can), an eggnog latte for me at Starbucks, and definitely say "hola" at Chevys. Love ya – have a beautiful Christmas! Love to all, especially that big harry man of yours 🙂 Bendiciones!

  3. deemus on December 16, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Did you say, "In-N-Out?"

    My only obsession. I am here tryin' to be all spiritual and stuff. Being a good (fat) boy and sticking to my (wife's) diet, and you bring up the IAO word. Uh boy…

  4. Kirk on December 16, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    R U sure you were never a Marine??? Did your Dad teach you to chew ass like that… because you do it with artistry, mi amiga!

    Would you remind me to never make you angry?

    The good news is…never mind. You're a missionary and quite a good one I think (even with the poop/flake scalp thing going on). You know what the Good News is.

    Travel safely.

  5. Lauree "LO" Austin on December 17, 2009 at 7:50 am

    Through a long string of events, a much smaller world and an ever dereasing degree of separation (minus Kevin Bacon) I have found your blog.

    I have been reading through your thoughts and adventures and enjoying each entry! Maybe because I didn't think that there were too many other missionaries out there that ever use 'ass' in their daily rhetoric*, or that give themselves self-depreciating titles in front of missionary. I think the quote from my first newsletter was, "Holy Crap! I'm a missionary?! A reluctant one!"

    Your transparency and raw-ness is beautiful. Inside a witty and brash exterior you allow yourself to expose the questions/doubts/anger/humility and love. Thank you.

    Today in my little snowed in flat in the Czech Republic, I was encouraged, entertained and most importantly given more license to commune with God through…me. Not the facades of the "shoulds" that I have grown up with in church, in community, in missions organizations. Praise God for that!

    *Just curious, (and from a deep desire to be further entertained and guided) any suggested response to others (by 'others' I mean one loathsome creature in particular) that told you "that you were acting no better than the trash of the world that hangs out at tattoo parlors because of your use of the word ass?"

    I look forward to following your adventures.

    Merry Christmas!

  6. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on December 23, 2009 at 4:03 am

    Christy – Hi! and thanks for reading!! I, too, love the people watching aspect of the airport. Just wish i could do it without the flying part.

    Erin – Great suggestions! I'm working my way through your list…*burp*

    deemus – I cannot tell you how relieved I am to know that you are a fan of In-n-Out. This is on my list of things that makes an acceptable human being!

    Kirk – You do not want to see me mad! it's uuuugly!!!

    Lauree – Thanks so much for stopping in! I'm really glad you've found some encouragement here. I think there are even more missionaries like you and me out there – Thank God!!! 🙂 I'm gonna use your "ass" question for my fake (but awesome!) advice column "Ask Jamie how Missionaries Do It", It's such a great/ugly scenario! It will make a cool blog post! Hope you don't mind.

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