I wear a ring in my nose. It’s freaking adorable. At least, that’s what I hear. Sometimes.
The thing about stuff like nose-rings and tattoos, and all that junk, is that people only mention them to tell you how rad they think they are. If they hate it, if it grosses them out, even if they think it flies in the face of Biblical truth and principle, they’ll keep their mouths shut. Sometimes.
I’ve had 3 people say crappy things to my face about the tiny ring looped through my left nostril. One was a relative. The other 2 were pastors.
When I walked into church with my nose pierced (this was, like, 9 years ago) one pastor (who had a booming, baritone voice) greeted me and said very, very loudly, “HI there JAMIE! Oh. Look at that. Well, LIKE A GOLD RING IN A PIG’S SNOUT IS a beautiful woman WHO SHOWS NO DISCRETION! THAT’s from PROVERBS. HEH HEH HEH!”
I was like “Ok, so I’m not sure if you’re calling me a pig, or if you’re implying that I lack discretion…or what?” And then I just stood there looking at him, and when it was sufficiently awkward, I left. So that was fun.
And then, last year, when I was studying Spanish with a mixed bag of Christian hipsters, social retards, and suburban pastors gone global, I met the biggest, most pompous bunghole that God has ever breathed life into. It got pretty bad between me and this guy because he was constantly spewing bullsh…stuff, and I was constantly (and not very lovingly) calling him on it. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t really hold a lot back, and also, I tend to wear my heart on my face, to the degree that the very worst things that I say, I say completely without words.
This guy was a self-proclaimed “expert in missions”… I think he also considered himself a leading authority in Jesus, and Truth, and the Bible, among other Christian things. Yeah, he was that guy. And I got to spend 4 hours a day, 5 days a week with him. For one of our classes we had to prepare and give a 20 minute Bible study in Spanish once a week. The teacher assigned the subject ahead of time, like, culture or food or something, and then we could prepare and present our own thoughts on the matter and lead a discussion. This guy just did whatever he wanted, though. Talked about whatever, blew-off our professor with an “I think I know better than you” shrug of the shoulders. We’re talking royal prig.
We had had a few verbal jousting matches before, so I should not have been the least bit surprised the day he launched his Bible study as an assault against me personally, my character, my ability to serve God as a missionary, and of all things, my nose ring. For real. He sat down, looked me right in the eye, and using the same pig snout/bad lady line from Proverbs that I had heard years earlier, he ranted about how worried he was that there are people going into missions that lack the “discretion” to understand that having something like a nose ring would be considered offensive to “the majority of the world”. That’s a quote. That’s why I used those little ” ” thingys…cause he actually said that!
UM, THE MAJORITY OF THE WORLD? MY ASS!! APPARENTLY WE DON’T COUNT INDIA, AFRICA, or THE FREAKIN SOUTH PACIFIC in the MAJORITY of the WORLD!!
Whooo, sorry. Thanks for letting me get that out…
Anyhoo…The bell for our 5 minute break sounded just as he was wrapping up the 40th minute of his 20 minute Bible study. And, not even kidding, everyone, all the people that had been watching the blood boil up the sides of my neck, literally ran out the door, the teacher, and everybody. Leaving just the 2 of us. Alone. Together. What a bunch of dirty sadists.
So the guy closes his Bible, and says to me, like a smug s.o.b., “I thought you might find that scripture on nasal piercings interesting.”
My mouth said, “Yes. Interesting.”
But my face said, “I’m about to punch you in your ear.”
(Or, it might have been, “I hope you double over from some bloody poop disease.” Whatever it said, it was bad. And that guy turned kinda greyish, and I could see his Adam’s apple going up and down as he swallowed hard like the guys in old western movies…right before they eat it.)
I snarled “You missed something in your ‘studies’. You should take a look at Ezekiel 16. You might find it…interesting.” Then I gave him a big forced smile, which I can totally admit was a super creepy thing to do, but at the same time, it was better then giving him the finger, right?
So right then, as if God himself was like, “Go get em’ Baby Girl!”, the break ended and my teacher announced that I would be responsible for next weeks study, and, I could choose my own topic. (Look, I’m not the only one that saw this guy as a total douche-canoe.) I like to think that our dear, sweet little professor wanted me to crush him like an ant. Using the Bible. I think she may have even winked at me, “He’s all yours tiger. Tear him a new one.” So basically, I had God, and the professor, and the other students, and pretty much all of the faculty, and all of my family and friends with whom I had been relaying stories of this guys never ending douchiness, and they were all on my side. Vengeance is sweet.
So, you wanna know what I did?
Wait…What would you have done? Have you ever been the recipient of someone’s reckless use of scripture to make a point? Have you done this to someone, and maybe realized later that you were wrong? How would you rebuff someone that made a personal and public attack against you?
I’ll tell you how I used my 20 minutes and the week leading up to it….tomorrow…