® All Rights Reserved

I’m reserving my rights. Why? Um, have you MET my blog?! Yeah, that’s why. And now feels like a good time, so, you know, I’m just gonna go ahead and do it. That way we’re all on the same page. I think it’s better for everybody this way:

I, Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary (also know as the VWM, not to be confused with the Venereal Warts Missionary), reserve the right to use really bad grammar really badly. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of slang, roughneck, ghetto, spanglish, creole (in case the mood hits), and shit that I just make up.

I – reserve, the right. to punctuate,,”.. or not punctu:ate as I see? fit’/

I reserve the right to say mean/arrogant/dull/embarrassing/ridiculous/dirty things which I will later regret. I reserve the right to regret said things from the second I hit “publish” until the second that I die, and for one lifetime thereafter (just in case the Buddhist’s are right).


I reserve the right to kid, as in I’m kidding, as in I was kidding about that thing about the Buddhists. I grant you the right to relax.

I reserve the right to be a dumbass. I may, heretofore, write mind-blowingly stupid crap which I will later look back on and say, “How could I have been so mind-blowingly stupid?”.

I reserve the right to remove, re-write, renege, or plain old change my mind regarding any and/or all stupid crap written in this blog, at any time.

I reserve the right to be kind of an a-hole sometimes. Let this serve as a reminder to all parties that this is my blog (see brain) (see journal) (see first amendment), not your living room. I hereby grant all parties the opportunity to vacate the premises of the VWM at any time so as not to cause undue harm by offense to any party’s good senses.

I reserve the right to italicize, to make bold, or underline anything, whenever and wherever I feel like it, whether or not it makes sense to you.

I reserve the right to make up words, ask dumb questions, ignore comments, respond to comments, make dumb comments, and disagree.

I reserve the right to use onomatopoeia to describe farts, should the need arise.

I reserve the right to fail at blogging, at writing, and at following Christ, at any given time, and to call on this blog community to castigate, encourage, and/or pray for this blogger accordingly.

I reserve the right to grow, both spiritually and physically (but hopefully only spiritually), for as long as I am the sole proprietor of the VWM. Should this become a market venture, I hereby, reserve the right to stagnate, shrivel, and die. Or not.

I reserve the right to blog honestly and with sincerity, introspectively, judgmentally, freely and without reserve, having first taken my thoughts captive, turning them to obedience in Christ Jesus. Or not.

Cool. I’m so glad we got that out of the way.



  1. Cathimommy on January 21, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Jamie–made the best chocolate chip muffins without a mix this AM who knew–

    and I am thankful for you,

  2. mark foshager on January 21, 2010 at 10:18 am

    smiling big time on this one, and i haven't even read it all yet (thankfully, for it means that there's more ahead for me to read!). go, jamie, go. OK, just read the last 2 paragraphs and laughed and smiled and inhaled a laugh. 10. never stop.

  3. Zac on January 21, 2010 at 10:21 am

    We (ha, as if I speak for everyone who reads this blog), the readers, grant you your rights.

    We, the readers, also reserve the right to enjoy every post you make (even when we don't win coffee).

  4. Martin Frost on January 21, 2010 at 10:58 am

    "I reserve the right to remove, re-write, renege…"

    Jamie, please try NOT to remove anything if you can help it. I know sometimes it is necessary. We really upset our pastor once (you'll have to search in our blog to find it – I'm not giving you the direct link) and the entry is still there! It shows what Hazel (my wife) was thinking at the time. Her feelings, and thoughts contained a lot of validity. They probably could have been expressed in a more diplomatic way but that would have detracted from the raw emotion she was feeling at the time.

    The feelings, attitudes and whatever else that gets expressed at any given time are valuable later. So often we are embarrassed by what we said so we smooth it over and make it nice and neat again. But what we say comes out of what we are, warts and all.

    Sure, change your mind, rewrite, improve. But let's see where you have come from, not just where you are going if you are able.

  5. Kirk on January 21, 2010 at 11:59 am

    "I reserve the right to be a dumbass"…excuse me, but aren't you forgetting that in Spanish its "dumas"???

    "I reserve the right to be kind of an a-hole sometimes"…uhhh, what's your point?

    "I reserve the right to use onomatopoeia to describe farts, should the need arise"…thanks to you (and your oh-so-reserved Blog) I learn something new every day

  6. Nickolas on January 21, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    You go girl.. lol. Claim your rights! … u walk on a tight rope, or a fine line, or thin ice, or whatever u call it, but that's what makes this so interesting. U know what I thinks funnier? That you are reserving rights that you already have…. or did u reserve the right to do that also? I didn't see that one in there. 🙂 keep it real home girl lol.

  7. Dad on January 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Wow…nothing changes…you said the same things about homework twenty years ago. Obstinate child…you're God's problem now!

    Luvya Dad

  8. curiousceridwen on January 23, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    well crap. I would have loved this post except partway through I remembered I made fun of a typo of yours a few posts back, but, like, it was out of love. And because the typo was funny. (or ironic. Now I can't remember) And all I can think is "it's all my fault! I crossed a line! And now she's claiming the whole blog back!"

    AND NO STINKIN WAY!!! BEST wv EVER!! Had to come back and edit this to tell you: Farsts. That's gotta be the hick way of explaining excessive gas.

    Ok, I'm pretty sure this post had nothing to do with me. I hope so anyway. But all good stalkers always think things are all about them.

  9. Carrie on January 24, 2010 at 3:31 am

    I think I love you!


    Wanna be my new best friend? My other best friend is the very best missionary and I'm not particularly fond of that quality in a best friend.

    Kind Regards,
    Perfectly Imperfect Carrie
    Missionary in Eastern Europe

  10. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on January 24, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    curios – No Worries! Nothing about this post was directed at you. I was actually thinking to myself, I hope curiousceridwen really really likes this! Mission accomplished. You're like the best stalker ever!

    Carrie – Welcome!!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. If I become your other best friend, then you'd be stuck in between us (the very best and the very worst) somewhere. You could be like, Carrie, the Very Most Average Missionary! 😉 I like the sound of it.

  11. Carrie on January 25, 2010 at 1:15 am

    "Carrie, the Very Most Average Missionary" sounds, well, doable. I'd rather have something unattainable to strive for. Like Super Missionary. With a fancy cape and everything. Though I have absolutely no intentions of wearing my unders as outers. The boots would be kickin', though.

    And I love how many commas you use. I have a strong appreciation for anyone who uses commas as much as I do.

  12. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on February 10, 2010 at 9:12 am

    I just came back to read this cause it got me in a whole heap of trouble.

    I still like it. And, I think I'm still glad I wrote it. Your comments remind me that I'm really not alone, and I can't possibly be as far from Christ as some are claiming….

    Many thanks to all who support and encourage the VWM!!!

Leave a Comment