I once read that the average weight gain on a 14 day cruise is like 12 pounds, or something ridiculous like that. And I remember thinking that that seemed kinda impossible…and kinda gross. Like you’d have to be eating incredible amounts of super rich foods at every meal, and in between meals, and then a little more, all day, every day and into the night…with whipped cream on top. And it sounded sorta painful too, ya know, to blow up like that in such a short time.
I want you to know this because we’re friends, and because you may be going on a cruise at some point….It is possible. And it is painful. *heavy sigh*
I was in California for 21 days. That’s like a three week cruise.
We always eat a lot when we visit the states. And someone is always putting a Starbucks latte in my hand, or a piece of pie, or a bowl of ice cream. (By “someone” I mostly mean me.) This time there were a ton of birthdays to celebrate, including my Grandmother’s 80th, and those of two sisters and Dad. And then there was Christmas and New Years and all the celebrating associated with those days and the days surrounding them. Loads and loads of celebrating. Which translates into loads and loads of eating. Which translates into pounds and pounds of extra flesh that make your skinny jeans look like sausage casings.
I call it “blowfishing”. It’s the act of ballooning into a bloated lumpy mass of flesh when faced with large amounts of deliciousness and small amounts of time. It’s what we do when we are in the states, where we eat like we are never going to eat again. We indulge in all of things that we can’t get, or can’t afford, or that just aren’t that good here in Costa Rica. Oh, and all the things we can get, can afford, and are good here, but that I have to make from scratch. So that’s like…everything. So I just spent 21 days overeating everything.
And THAT is why I had to unbutton my pants just now.
It’s also why I have a wretched stomach ache, and a headache, and dark circles under my eyes. And I’m pretty sure I got boobs at some point, but I’ve never had boobs before so I just don’t know…but there’s something boob-like there, where boobs should be… Of course there is also something boob-like hanging over the top of my jeans, and bouncing around on my rump, and jiggling on my thighs. Great…I finally get boobs and they completely take over. This explains why my husband keeps telling me that I look great, that I look amazing, that I look better than ever. It’s because he’s a boob man, he just never knew it until now. Poor guy.
So now to undue the damage. Quintuple-boob-reduction it is. I’m glad to know that my husband is a chubby-chaser, but I need to be able to sit…and breath…you know, like, when I’m wearing clothes. El Chupacabra will just have to love me for my dazzling personality…..Bahahahahaha….Oh! That was a good one!
So, may I ask? Did you put on a few extra pounds over the holidays? And will you be making an effort to take them off? If so, how? I’d love to hear how you handle the post-holiday blowfish.