Fighting Dirty.

We fight dirty. And, lately, we’ve been doing a whole lot of fighting.

Sometimes, El Chupacabra and I forget that we’re on the same team. We forget that we have a common enemy, and that if we aren’t united against it, we’ll fall prey to each other because of it.

Our enemy comes in the name of Fear and of Failure. It comes in the name of Inadequacy and Uncertainty and Rejection. It comes in the name of Hypocrisy, Judgement, Impatience, Insecurity, and Adultery. It sits on our shoulder and whispers all kinds of terrible things in our ears. And, foolishly, we listen, we react, we forget who the real enemy is, and we turn on each other. We blame each other, we accuse each other, we hate each other because of the painful things the enemy has told us, not about each other, but about ourselves.

Then we fight dirty.

We are both thick skinned and tender hearted, El Chupacabra and me. We have learned though the years how to get under each others skin and go straight for the heart. We learned this from our enemy, and we learned it very well. We hardly need any prompting anymore. Our words are like guided missiles, we destroy each other with them.

We’ve been fighting dirty. A lot.

This weekend, we spent a night away because we wanted to “get on the same page”. We wanted one day to ourselves, to pray, and talk, and map out our goals for this year. It started off horribly.

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure missionaries aren’t supposed to say things like “I give up.” or “This is all for nothing.” We’re not supposed to entertain thoughts of “divorce” or “separation”. But, this kind of stuff has found it’s way into our minds and into our conversations on occasion. And the one thing I do know is that it’s not coming from us. Those are the whisperings of our enemy.

This weekend, as we finally sat and talked (like normal human beings and not like hyenas on crack, circling each other, teeth bared, and yapping out insults), it was like we finally remembered that we’re on the same team. Our marriage is a stronghold of God. It’s not impenetrable, but it’s pretty damn well reinforced.

We have been engaged in our enemies battle, like we were both pulling for the wrong team. But on Saturday night, we realigned ourselves, checked our loyalties for the first time in a long time. We reunited ourselves against our common enemy.

And we won. It was a glorious victory.

As far as I’m concerned, the enemy can piss off. Cause, guess what? We’ll fight back….and we fight dirty.



  1. Anonymous on February 15, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    ..and you guys are gong to kick ass!! my wife do the TLC when we start to get into it. T is for truth-what is the truth about about my spouse. L is for lie- what is the lie i am thinking about my spouse and C is for create. How can i create a appropriate responce not reaction about what is going on. Sometime it is harder to work but it works for us.

  2. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on February 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    That's great, Anonymous, I'll have to file it for future use! Seems like a great way to keep from falling into an ugly pattern of fighting over stupid stuff.

  3. Jill on February 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    It is good (and refreshing) that you recognize who your enemy is, and that it is not your husband. My eyes are so tired of rolling (secretly) when some of my married friends are constantly complaining about their husbands. Not that marriage is easy or husbands are perfect, but, well you get it, that's all I'm trying to say. Your marriage actually gives me hope, that someday, I will have someone to circle around like a hyena on crack, then get on the same page with. 🙂 Love you guys SO much! In my prayers 🙂

  4. Kirk on February 15, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Just this morning I was telling El Chupacabra that I wished you could have been at Marriage Tuneup last Friday night. I knew you guys would have had some great stories to share on how you make your marriage work.

    I'm so happy you guys are on the same page…but please ease up on my buddy Steve…m'kay?

  5. Carrie on February 16, 2010 at 1:07 am

    Mission work is very hard on a marriage, as I know well firsthand. Life gets hard sometimes and for some strange reason, we hurt the ones we love first. I guess it's because no one else will listen to us. LOL!

    But, as love goes, there is forgiveness and comfort in one another.

  6. miller_schloss on February 16, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Oh, man, I love this post SO MUCH. My husband and I are in the same place. I am going to send him the link to this post, because I know the line about the hyenas will make him laugh, and when we laugh together, we make a better team.

    Have you read "More Than You and Me" by Kevin and Karen Miller? It's our favorite marriage book, because it's exactly about this…it's about getting on the same page, finding a common goal and reaching it together, and in the process growing your marriage.

  7. Matthew M. Miller on February 16, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Haha, good call! I did in fact lol at the hyenas line. Yip. Yip.

    This is great stuff! Keep it up, JtVWM.

  8. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on February 17, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Thanks everybody for your support and encouragement!
    I just reread this post and wanted to make sure that I mentioned that we're not, like, on the verge of divorce or anything like that. We're just figuring out how to do marriage with the added pressures of life overseas. 🙂

    miller_schloss, I haven't read that book. I'll have to pick it up next time I'm in the states. We are open to all the help we can get!!

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