I really, really do.

Sometimes.

While I’m visiting you.
I look at the clock on my cell phone and wonder how much longer.
It’s not because I don’t want to be there…
…with you.
I love you.
I really, really do.
It’s just.
~I’m starving and I can’t wait to go eat lunch.~
I usually have this thought less than an hour after handing you a banana and a piece of bread which likely will be your biggest meal all week.
I love you. I really, really do.
It’s just.
I love me… more.

And I pray everyday that God will send you someone better than me.
Or that He’ll send a better me.

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21 Comments

  1. tamaraoutloud on March 14, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    That was beautiful– literally brought a tear to my eye. So honest.

  2. Anonymous on March 14, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    thank you Jamie… your honesty about yourself convicts my heart more than the fingers pointed at me ever could

  3. Matt on March 14, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Beautiful…

  4. Carrie on March 15, 2010 at 2:57 am

    I can relate

  5. Kyle Reed on March 15, 2010 at 9:58 am

    This is why you are not the very worst missionary just the very most honest missionary (pardon my grammar).

    Great reminder.

  6. Chris Noelle @perfectly imperfect on March 15, 2010 at 10:21 am

    *tear*
    Jamie, I always wonder what it really looks like to ''love my neighbor as myself". People will say, "I don't love myself…I love others more" Come on! You love yourself….you wake up and splash water on your face, pick your nose, eat breakfast….that is a form of loving yourself. So, I am realising, the only way to love others with this simplicity, is to let Jesus do it for me. I still don't know what this looks like. I can't, (and I certainly won't pick noses… wipe, yes….but pick? ) All I know is on my own, I suck. ….I always wanted to change my blog name to that. I Suck. (Hi Carrie:)) Thanks for keeping it real.

  7. Sarah Kelly on March 15, 2010 at 10:44 am

    I feel these same types of feelings when I fall short in my interactions with my children. Thank you for putting it into words!

  8. Kyle Staley on March 15, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    the day I heard you guys were going to be missionaries, I knew you two would be perfect. This is why.

  9. rfbryant on March 15, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Wow. You said what I've felt/thought. Brave woman you are. And I agree with @kylereed – just shows you're not the very worst you're the most real.

  10. Zac on March 15, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    The most transparent missionary! Thank for the 230932423th time for being honest and real. I have been praying for a long time for me to care for others more than myself, but I suck at that pretty hard. I feel like I make progress one day and then be mega-selfish the next. One day!

  11. nora on March 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Thanks Jamie. I'm sitting here in the air conditioned hotel room that I escaped to today feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.

  12. nora on March 15, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it as thanks for being real!

  13. Caroline on March 15, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    love you honey

  14. Alece on March 22, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    thank you for putting words to what i so often think…

  15. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on March 22, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Thanks, to all of you, for sharing this love for the marginalized children of our world! And keep praying for kids in poverty's grip!!

  16. tahni candelaria on April 14, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    straight.to.my.soul.

  17. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 14, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    I love that other people can relate to this! Whew – what a relief!!

  18. myderbe on April 22, 2010 at 11:04 am

    This is how I often feel! I want to care more about others, but then I get distracted by pretty shoes or dark chocolate or a nap.

  19. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 22, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Oh my – dark chocolate and a nap sound amazing!! ….wait, what were we talking about?… 😉

  20. Anna on October 26, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Wow, just beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye as well.

  21. Fiona on February 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    I've often said to my friends that I wish I was a nicer person. It just doesn't come super naturally to me … I mean, general niceness, sometimes, but out of the way niceness … that's another story. There are those people who you can say, "I think they are the nicest people in the world and would never think a bad thought." Yeah, I'm not one of those people. Thanks for this post.

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