Procrasturbation.

Procrastination is like my favorite thing.

I love it.

When I am procrastinating, I suddenly become this strange, ultra-high-functioning human that never stops moving. You know what I mean? Like, if I have to prepare for something big; a trip, a speaking engagement, a dinner party at my house, or whatever, I will do approximately one million things that have virtually zero significance in relation to the thing for which I am preparing. One. Million.

And that is why, by 1 o’clock this afternoon, I had cleaned out my closet, mopped the floors, gone to the grocery store, cleaned the fridge, stopped by the bank, run to the vet to buy flea stuff, and read a chapter of a book. All of that happened, because, really? I need to pack.

I need to put some clothes in a bag and zip it up. It’s not a hard thing. And it’s the one and only thing that I NEED to do today.

I. need. to. pack.

And that’s why I’m writing a blog… and baking a cheesecake….

It’s called procrasturbating; Putting off what MUST be done in order to fulfill immediate carnal desires. Cheesecake, anyone?

El Chupacabra even noticed how much more I’ve been getting done these last few days. He said if he could, he would send me to the states once a month, because my intensely productive procrastinating has made his life a dream come true….

Seriously. The house is clean, the fridge is stocked, the laundry is put away. And when he gets home from work I follow him around like a manic puppy, eyes wide, tail wagging, panting, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

He likes that. And he has procrastination to thank.

Last night, when he walked in to our room at 10:30 and I was furiously peddling away on the stationary bike, he was all, “What are you doing?!”

And I was like, “I’m packing for my trip…. Duh.”

What about you? Are you a procrastinator or a….whatever they call people that do stuff when they should?

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33 Comments

  1. danielthepoet on April 29, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Wow. Awesome. Love it. I'm the same way, except I think I just start a dozen other projects which I end up procrastinating to avoid completion. Sigh.

  2. danielthepoet on April 29, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    P.S. I'll pay you to switch to WordPress. Okay, not really PAY, but I'll set it up for you. Just saying. This comment box is teh suck.

  3. Karysa on April 29, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    That's so funny. When I have a boring to-do, I will suddenly become super detail-oriented on something totally unrelated to what I need to do.

  4. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 29, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I know, Daniel, and I TOTALLY agree. plus, I already have a wordpress accnt that I started to set up a while back. I just don't get how it all works, and to be completely honest, I have, like, 11!! readers here, and I'm afraid I'll lose them….
    B''( <—- That's me, crying at the the thought of not basing my self worth on the affirmation of strangers on the internet.

    No, but really, I'm working on it….uh, sorta. (see post above)

  5. Rob on April 29, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Jamie … you don't want a wordpress.com account … you want a wordpress.org account … sheesh, not only are you the worst missionary, you're the worst missionary blogger.

    Good thing all 11 of us still like you!

  6. Lee on April 29, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Dear VWM,

    I'd come to your defense against Rob except for two reasons:
    1) I've got a million and two other things to do, and
    2)

  7. Danielle on April 29, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Such a funny post because it is so true!!

    I have no recollection of how I ever stumbled across your blog, but I am quite glad that I did. You make me laugh. A. Lot.

    My hubby is an MK from Guatemala. I definitely need to share this blog with him!

  8. Cynthia Reese on April 29, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    For confessing you procrastinate as much as I do, and for the same reason, I'd follow you anywhere (except on that plane, because, man, I hate traveling!)

    Yup, I procrastinate. The Husband hates it, because unlike yours, my procrastination does not involve anything remotely productive.

  9. Faithful Mali on April 29, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    I am the opposite. I'm one of those people that just gets the crap done and then hovers over the rest of the family to get their crap done, too.

    Yes, I even annoy myself sometimes.

  10. Lady of the River on April 29, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    I'm just going to go ahead and say what you couldn't: Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good until you realize you just fucked yourself.

  11. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 29, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    BAHAHAhahahahaha!!! ooooohh….Wow….

  12. Lady of the River on April 29, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Just thought I'd stir things up a little with that one. 🙂

  13. Theo V. on April 29, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I'm not so much a procrastinator as a non-finisher. I don't hesitate to start some great project or task with gusto… but about 90% of the way through I lose interest and move on.

    Maybe that's a special form of procrastination?

  14. Chris Noelle on April 29, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    Funny everyone!
    Seems I only "put off'' the personal stuff….like talking to that friend that made me mad, or going to the gynocologist, or making those dreaded 'cold calls' for business/church/home stuff.
    Otherwise, I am the project queen… I just have too many going at once, so all my cleaning looks messy!
    Wait, maybe that is my way of avoiding/procrastinating all those personal things…????hummmmm….

  15. Rosie on April 29, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I think there are 12 readers…I'm here too…I just haven't commented before…:-) Hi, I'm Rosie…

  16. Rosie on April 29, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    and I'm a procrastinator…

  17. Carrie on April 29, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Yes, I confess.

    When I pack it's a huge affair. Mostly because I don't want to come back to a messy house and dirty laundry. I have to make sure everything is done in advance so I don't find myself under the gun at the last minute. However, because I do a million other things, I still find myself under the gun, but exhausted to boot. Why I do it, I still have no idear.

    BTW, my flight was fine and I'm officially on furlough. YAY! America has green grass and landscaped lawns. It's gorgeous!!!

  18. Sarah on April 29, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Carrie, I'm the same way! I'm not normally much of a housekeeper, but for some reason when it's time to leave on a trip I suddenly need to dust the cobwebs from the ceiling and vacuum under the couch.

    I admit to rampant procrastination, and my excuse is that I always produce better results under pressure. Of course, now that I have two kids I can see the value in getting certain things done ahead of time. In fact, I'm going on a car trip with my family next week, and I already made my list of everything I need to bring. But I'll still probably clean the house and pack the day before. For me, change comes slowly…

  19. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 29, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    I'm LOVING all yer'alls comments! You guys are AWESOME – procrastinator or not.

    If i die tomorrow – which I probably will cuz we all know how ridiculous the idea of a plane actually flying through the air is – anyway, if i die, I'm gonna miss you guys (but not actually, cuz I'll be chillin with my homie Jesus, but you know what I mean).

    Thanks for the smiles!

  20. LIZZY on April 29, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Why else do you suppose I am up at 11pm sitting through a 6 hour online defensive driving course? Maybe because I had 180 days to complete it and tomorrow is day 180. Yeah, I'd say I can definitely procrastinate with the best.

  21. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on April 29, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Lizzy, it sounds like you don't really have time to be leaving comments on blogs right now… wait a sec, NEITHER DO I!! GAH!! I gotta go…..

  22. Anonymous on April 30, 2010 at 9:23 am

    I am a much more selfish procrastinator. I leave the house the way it was, because my slackery involves shopping. If I am going somewhere or have something to do, I need to get the perfect outfit for it and some new junk for the bedroom so I will be well rested, and new luggage and stuff for the pets while I am gone, and small shampoo and wander around in target/walmart/tjmaxx/some other store until I find something that I "can't live without" and then I finally get home in time to rush out the door!

    Emily-your-sister.

  23. crackers and cheese on April 30, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    I'm in a doctoral program, and I have several classmates who are BAKING/COOKING procrastinators! I'm just a surf the internet, read a bunch of blog posts boring, non-productive procrastinator. But I absolutely love my baking procrastinator friends! They'll show up at the clinic with huge plates of cookies, brownies cupcakes, and I'll say, "You're really stressed about that paper/presentation due, huh?" as the crumbs fall down my face.

    By the way, I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago, and I'm loving it! Your writing makes me laugh and think and learn and inspire me to write more. I posted a link on facebook and in the words of one of my friends, you're "such a hot mess," and I love how honestly and self-deprecatingly you write about yourself and your life. I also appreciate how you praise Christ and continue to point to the gospel. I don't think you're the very worst missionary in the slightest.

    I hope that you have a wonderful visit to the states, and I look forward to reading more 🙂 Thanks!

  24. Caroline on April 30, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Procrastinator, all the way (except not the "productive type" like you).
    Will miss you while you're gone and I'll be praying for your trip. Do all those rediculous things we do when a baby is in our arms for me… you know, suck on the little fat cheeks, smell the baldy head, give raspberries on the belly… you get the idea.

  25. Valerie on May 4, 2010 at 9:18 am

    If you saw my house you would not think I was a perfectionist,but my house is the way it is precisely because I am a perfectionist.I look for the perfect time and the perfect way to do everything which never comes so things don't get done.I put off doing things often because I want it done perfectly also I don't know where to start so I put it off another day.It is a maddening cycle,luckily my husband is just the opposite.Also what does what you call your husband mean?El-however you spell it.

  26. marieDee on May 9, 2010 at 6:18 am

    Just read your blog for the very first time and must say that it (and all the comments) have helped me feel so much better about my own procrastination. I do wish it were productive like yours, because I so love a sparkling clean house! But at least I'm apparently in good company as a procrastinator…all you clever, articulate people are right there with me!

  27. Zac on May 11, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Well I just procrasturbated all over this post. You see I read it when you first posted it and had a great response lined up, but then life happens and my Google Chrome would bring up this post everytime I would open my browser and I wanted to post my comment, but you know, the Penguins were playing. Finally, nearly two weeks later I am getting it down.

    Anyways,I do this to a fault. In fact, I would even do this at my job where I would purposely put things off to the last minute so I could pull off the rush of getting it down at the last second. Sort of the way I handled most assignments and finals in college. The all-nighter hopped up on Sudafed (which if you ever need to concentrate on something say hello to my quasi-speed friend).

    My wife also yells at my for procrasturbating (of course she doesn't say that word), but when I am supposed to help her clean up the house, I normally end up cleaning out a desk drawer or anything other than staying on the task at hand.

    Lastly, I would have wished you a good trip and all, but I just read the post about you coming back so I missed the boat on that, but at least I will be commenting on that within 72 hours or so!

  28. Elisa on May 12, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    and I'm here now so 13!

    Wait….isn't it bad luck to be the 13th reader???

    you've just cursed me, haven't you? now I'll never get anything done!

  29. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 12, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    You are in luck, Elisa, cuz there seemed to be a glitch in the comments and you're actually like 20 something. Whew! That was a CLOSE one!!

    But poor lil Chris Noelle, up there at #13, is totally screwed!

    Also? Cursing people is like a hobby for me. And baking. I like to bake, too.

    Anyway, welcome to the VWM!!! Glad you're here!

  30. deemus on May 18, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Jamie, been out of the circuit for a while. Just got to this one. Pretty funny, I read this one just before popping on here.

    Read the "moving on" post.

    http://kristenethridge.com/

  31. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 18, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Welcome back!! Always good to have you here, deemus!! 🙂 Great post, thanks for sharing the link.

  32. Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} on May 27, 2010 at 1:04 am

    I just found your blog after whining on Facebook about doing this very thing. So glad I found you. A potty-mouthed missionary? Me like. Surely you've heard this before, but you remind me of my friend (and blogger) Tara Livesay.

    And since I'm procrastinating packing for a trip in the morning, let me chime in on the comment thing. You don't have to switch to wordpress. You can customize blogger by adding either Disquis or Intense Debate. They both allow for a more interactive comment section. (If you click through to mine you can see Intense Debate in action. Not really an "intense debate" going on there. Just the program, I mean.)

  33. Heather on August 7, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Ha! I so am. Especially when I have a big paper due – my house never looks so good 😛

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