Um. That’s my SON, not my boyfriend… Ew.

You pretty much know, when you’re 17 and the pee stick says “+”, that you’ve severely effed up your own life.

But, once you decide not to have an abortion and after you conclude that you are, in fact, too selfish to give your baby up for adoption, you move on. You quit wallowing in self despair, and you get used to the idea that you are going to shove a human outta your girl-howdy, and that human will be your kid, and that kid will be just fine in your loving hands.

No harm, no foul…. or something like that.

At least that’s how it went for me; I got knocked up at 17 and everything turned out just fine. True story. I mean, yeah, it wasn’t ideal to have a child when I was still, well… a child…. But it worked out. I mean, I don’t recommend it, and I NEVER would have planned it that way, but I can’t really complain about how it’s all gone down for me. Naturally, yes, there have been consequences. It’s been a tough road at times, but I’ve always felt that by God’s grace I’ve come through the slutty missteps of my youth relatively unscathed. Then, last year, on Mother’s Day, when my oldest son gave me a hand made card that said, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Thanks for not aborting me!”, I felt reassured that he’d survived the trial and error (but mostly error) of having been raised by very young, very stupid parents, pretty much unharmed as well.

I can honestly say that I never really felt like I ruined his life by having him when I was so young. I didn’t really think that our relatively short age difference was gonna mess with his head in unimaginable ways.

But I was wrong. So very wrong….

See, the thing is, my baby boy is 16 now, and he’s 6’ 3”, and he wears chops down to his jaw, soooo he’s like… a man. And I never stopped buying my clothes at Forever 21.

So we went to the mall the other day, just the two of us, and when we were in the foodcourt I was like, “Jeez, what is wrong with these people?! Do you feel like we’re getting stared at? Like, more than usual…” And he was all, “Um. Yeah.” And I was like, “What is the deal? Sheesh, now I’m getting dirty looks from that crew of grannies over there by Taco Bell!” And my son said, “Mom” and he shoved exactly half of a Subway sandwich in his mouth, “They’re staring because they’re trying to figure out what’s going on here.” and his index finger wagged back and forth between us, “Those old ladies? They think you’re a dirty cougar….” And then he just finished eating, as if he hadn’t uttered the most disturbing thing in the world.

A cougar! A COUGAR. I mean, really? A cougar?! What a bunch of creepy pervs! So I have a baby when I’m young and, what!, suddenly I’m freaking Demi Moore?? This is my SON, not my BOYFRIEND!

And I started to get all kinds of mad at the creepers who were staring at us, staring at me, and trying to pervert the love of a young hot Mother and her son by making me into something that I wasn’t. A cougar. Pshhhh….

And then I started to feel really bad for my son. Because, seriously?, that is messed up.

No teenage boy should ever have people looking at him as though he is actually on a date with his Mom….. Ew. Ew. Ew. No. Never. That should never happen.

And I wanted to be really pissed off at the jerks that kept looking at us funny, but the truth is that I’m the one that messed it all up for him. I think I’m the pervert. No, not because I still shop at Forever 21. It’s because, when I was young, I thought the only way to show a boy that I liked him was by having sex with him. So I did. And then, duh, I got pregnant. And, in a nutshell, that’s all just a huge perversion of God’s plans for love, and sex, and bringing kids into the world and stuff. Having people judge me, and unfairly assume that I am a cougar is simply an extended consequence of my earlier lameness. Sadly, my son also has to live with the repercussions of having a Mom that is kind of a retard.

Sooo…. I’m a pervert, and I have officially ruined my kid’s life. There. I said it.

But the other part of the truth is that my son will probably be just fine. Despite me, to spite me, or in spite of me, he’ll turn out alright.

Even if people keep looking at us funny. He’ll be alright.

That’s the cool thing about Grace; we’re both just covered in it. Shoot, we’ve got more Grace than Demi Moore has Botox.

There but for the Grace of God go I… and my poor son…



  1. Tripp Crosby on May 24, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    God loves perverts.

  2. Kirk on May 24, 2010 at 7:51 pm


    First of all, don't you have about 7 years to go before you can even qualify as a cougar??? 🙂

    Thanks for sharing the grace!

  3. Zac on May 24, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Ha! In a slightly related story, my wife is about 3 months older than me… we both turned old I mean 30 this year. So each day I would lovingly remind her of the fact that she was old by telling everyone that I was married to a cougar!

    Your son will be alright indeed. He probably haas two of the coolest parents on the planet.

  4. Chris Noelle on May 24, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Cougar is better than MILF in my opinion…

    nice bangs.

    I think you are doing a fine job, MAMA! ")

  5. tamaraoutloud on May 24, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    (I love when we post things that make the other go, That's me too!)

    I'll be there before I know it. Had my oldest at 19, and now he's almost 11. But God is gracious, and the vernacular is fitting: "It's all good."

  6. Rob on May 24, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Jamie, one of the best posts you've ever done. An incredible statement on the grace of God.

    Oh, and it's a little weird that the pose you and your boy have in this picture is so strikingly similar to the one of Demi & her "son" .. err…


  7. Missionaries in La Ceiba, Honduras on May 24, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I love you, I love your son, 'nuff said! (oh, and your other sons and your husband too!).

  8. Mandie Oliver on May 24, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    quit making me choke on my spit over here.
    you make me laugh. a lot. (and sometimes out loud)

  9. Heather on May 24, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Well at the very least (and only the very least because I'm new to your blog and don't know much about you!) you have raised a son with a great sense of humour 🙂

  10. Emily. :) on May 24, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    As a 16 year old girl, I can say that your son is C-U-T-E!!

    but yeah. don't tell him that because that'd be weird.

  11. Brook (two10eleven) on May 25, 2010 at 2:12 am

    Yeah, my mom was knocked up at 17 to. Had me the Fall of her senior year in High School. That Spring she brought ME to the child development class so all of her girlfriends could change my diaper (and see my tiny manhood) instead of practicing on a doll like all the other classes.

    Now I'm a missionary 26 years later. Kind of crazy the truck loads of grace God has dumped all over us since then.

  12. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 25, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Tripp – Can I steal that for the VWM t-shirt collection? I think it would make a nice addition, right next to "Jesus thinks missionaries are douchebags."

    Chris Noelle – I kinda think you have to be a MILF in order to be a successful cougar…not sure. Honestly? I'd rather be a MILF…just my opinion. And i LOVE my bangs, but El Chupacabra hates them! (I know because he said "They're different." and that means "I hate them.")

    And, rob, I also thought it was sort of uncanny… and creepy… the resemblance between the pics. 🙂

    Welcome Heather!! You are correct, my son – actually all 3 of them – a pretty darn hilarious!

  13. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 25, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Brook, how awesome is that?? Your Mom must be so proud of you!!!

  14. Caroline on May 25, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Ok, the pic similarity was jut too uncanny! You crack me up and I just read a really really awesome chapter in a book that was all about grace lastnight and love it and thought, "this guy really has grace adn forgiveness pinned, figured out, thought through"… and then you write this and I think, "am I the only one who doesn't?"!
    Love ya.

  15. taylorphillips on May 25, 2010 at 10:06 am

    love. it.

  16. Elisa on May 25, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Not that this will make you feel better (or maybe it will) but my ex-husband was 11 years younger than me and was mistaken for my SON at odd times (like out at dinner, at the styling salon on my birthday, at the ER when we took OUR SON in to be seen). Ugh.

    Just think, you're not a cougar. You're cool enough to hang with your son as "one of the gang". Spectators be damned. (Or at least pooh-poohed.)

  17. Molly on May 25, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    I'm new to your blog too and this post makes me so incredibly glad that I found it. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding me how creepy Demi Moore is…

  18. Chelsea Robbins on May 26, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Girl, you preach it. i love it. more grace than demi's botox. you're insane and super funny and I love your blog.

    You raised one hell of a stud. (Is that super perverted to say…I'm LIKE….TEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOUR SON. I feel like a cougar myself.)

    love it.

  19. Jennie on May 26, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    You know, it really is other people. I am 26 and when I go out with only my dad, people always think we are married. The crazy thing is they are all cutesy about us being together and not appalled. He wasn't super young when he had me (28)–so you can imagine how good he feels about himself when the server says "and would you and your wife like an appetizer to start the meal?"

  20. Charlotte on May 26, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    I'm addicted to your blog. I read it to my 20 year old twins when they are home from college. We laugh out loud…really love your humor!!!! They really get you! Me too!

    Funny and honest, you are. We like that!

  21. Mommypotamus on May 26, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I can always depend on you to make me laugh! But not before I check to see if anyone's watching. Because I would never laugh at a blog about cougars, or herpes, or girls with "Juicy" written across their bottoms . . .

  22. Nanette on May 27, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I love your blog, Your posts give me my favorite things: laughter, reality, and a view of the glory of God. Keep on writin' sistah. Que Dios te bendiga.

  23. T & T Livesay on May 27, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    fellow missionary who also became a mom at 17 with one guy and then again at 22 with another … If God's grace is an ocean — we are all drowning.

  24. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 27, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    I have got to get something different going for comments on this stupid blog so I can respond to you all individually!!

    So many great, funny comments you guys!!

  25. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 27, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Oh, and Tara, I just found your blog today from a comment left by Kristen. Such good stuff!! I can't wait til I have time to sit down and creep around in your life for a bit. So nice to "meet" you!! 🙂

  26. tracey on May 29, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    my parents were you & el chupcabra – i had a "hot dad" & was constantly being mistaken as his wife or girlfriend. my hair stylist had a huge crush on him. as a teen – weird & kinda funny. crappy side is, instead of his rugged good looks, i got his sarcastic sense of humor & bow legs. thanks dad. way to ensure that gene pool doesn't deplete with my generation.

  27. Rebecca on May 29, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Hmmm…got married and had a baby at 19, now my husband is a pastor…

    Because my hair likes to prematurely turn gray, and because we work with a lot of students I have been mistaken for my husband's mom (only once, and it was before he grew his Grizzly Adams beard, but still…)

    Needless to say, my hair is now a nice shade of brown. (and it's staying that way)

  28. Anonymous on December 5, 2010 at 4:50 am

    OMG! i have the same problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know for a fact that rumors are flying because people think my eldest son is my boyfriend …. we both laugh but really …. why do people jump to such stupid conclusions

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