Unequally Joked.

Tomorrow is my 16th Anniversary. No kidding.

And I’ve been trying, for like 3 weeks, to write something awesome to post as a tribute to El Chupacabra. But I’m failing so miserably.

Look, here’s an excerpt from something I wrote and then scrapped:

…It’s kind of like 16 years ago today, in a ceremony that lasted 12 minutes and included a three month old baby in a velvet, one-piece tuxedo, an Ox was yoked together with a Chihuahua. You’re the ox; Strong, smart and capable. I’m the chihuahua; Yappy, annoying, and bug-eyed (and most of the time, you just wanna throw it under a passing car.)

See? Ugh. This is so hard!! (yes, we’ll all wait while you insert your moronic joke here: __________________) So then I tried this:

The first time I saw you, you were taking off your shirt. But not how normal people do it, like, one arm at a time. No. You reached both arms over your head and pulled it up from the back… all sexy like.

You were stripping because everybody wanted to see your first tattoo (so new it was still covered in plastic wrap and vaseline). And this was way before everyone and their grandma went and got a corny tribal arm band. It was before tramp stamps and shoulder fairies and ankle dolphins and it was before everybody got a chinese proverb on their butt or wherever. It was almost as if you were the first person on the face of the planet to get a tattoo, the way everyone was looking at you like you were crazy. You were like 18 and a day. And so cute.

But I didn’t actually meet you that day. I just saw you from behind, taking your shirt off like a Chip-n-Dale dancer. And I liked it…..a lot.

Gah. Seriously?! I suck at this!

It’s like I just don’t know how you say thank you for marrying me after you knocked me up and I had your kid 16 years ago and if I’d known you were gonna turn out to be some kinda Jesus loving Spanish speaking super hero of mythological proportion I probably would have said thank you on our wedding day instead of waiting until now.

Ya know?
How do you say that to someone? …but not have it sound crappy …or corny …or contrived …or lame.
Speaking of lame:

I always thought it was weird that Superman liked Lois Lane. I mean, he was freaking Superman. And she was this sort of average, boring, snotty chick with a crappy car and an icky voice. Ridiculous.

Yeah. I actually wrote “ridiculous” and felt embarrassment when I tapped out that little gem.

What am I gonna do???



  1. rebecca on May 27, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    happy anniversary, and i think you said it all quite nicely!

  2. Jenna Lewis Cox on May 27, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    ha. i have this same problem and my anniversary is next week. Only 3 years down, but sheesh. How do you say "You freakin' rock for loving me. seriously dude, i appreciate it." HA! Lame-o. You should write down all of these crazy contrived attempts and collage them on a canvas and splatter paint it.

  3. Faithful Mali on May 27, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Congratulations! Happy Anniversary 🙂

  4. Kirk on May 27, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    What's that saying…"it's the thought that counts"?

    I think its pretty cool that you would say nice things about El Chupa to the whole world.

    Happy anniversary to you both!!!

  5. deemus on May 27, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Congrats Jamie and El Chupa. 16 years is a long time these days, even for Christians.

  6. Inyalin Quenósanwë on May 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    All of those. Sometimes the goofiest, dumbest-sounding things to our own ears are really what is on our heart, and our significant other feels the most special because of them – not just because you've told them you love them and you're so grateful that they love you, but because you're not afraid (or you are and you stick it out anyway) to say what you think even though it sounds corny. Also: he might think you're funny, and endearing because you're funny. Win-win.

  7. Elaine on May 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Congratulations and Merry Anniversary!

    Whenever I tell people long my husband and I have been married, I startle myself because it has literally FLOWN by. I think I'm too young to have been married nearly 33 years. 😉 I hope your marriage feels like you've only been married mere months instead of 16 years.

  8. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 27, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Thanks everybody! We're pretty glad we made it to 16 years! 🙂

    And yes, Elaine, it has gone in the blink of an eye – I can't even imagine 33 years!! that's awesome.

  9. A Cajun Down Under on May 28, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Happy Anniversary, and I think you said it quite well. It doesn't always have to be a Hallmark moment, just honest and sincere.

  10. Brook (two10eleven) on May 28, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Happy Anniversary, Jamie!

  11. thenelsens on May 28, 2010 at 9:54 am

    I like the collage and splatter paint idea! And I think all of that is very sweet. It may sound corny to you, but I'm sure he'll love it. 🙂

  12. Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary on May 28, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I totally would have done the collage/splatter paint idea, except it would have put El Chupacabra in the awkward position of later having to shove it in the bottom of the garbage can when I wasn't looking….

  13. Joe Sewell on May 28, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Happy Anniversary to a couple married the exact same day as we were. My wife, Joy, and I also celebrate 16 years of marriage today.

  14. tracey on May 29, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    I'll be married 20 years in July. My theory was if you can't find a good man, raise one. We grew up together – kinda sounds like you guys did too. I married way above my pay grade – all the proof I'll ever need that God is real & loves to give his kids good things, though from Roy's perspective looking over at me in sweats & a used to fit better t shirt with a messy ponytail (not the chic/sexy kind but the crap, i guess i'll use the rubber band off the broccoli kind)he may not feel the same way. any hoo, congrats on making it work for 16 years. : )

  15. Izzy on July 19, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    "That's what she said."
    Sorry, somebody had to do it!

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