Tomorrow is my 16th Anniversary. No kidding.
…It’s kind of like 16 years ago today, in a ceremony that lasted 12 minutes and included a three month old baby in a velvet, one-piece tuxedo, an Ox was yoked together with a Chihuahua. You’re the ox; Strong, smart and capable. I’m the chihuahua; Yappy, annoying, and bug-eyed (and most of the time, you just wanna throw it under a passing car.)
See? Ugh. This is so hard!! (yes, we’ll all wait while you insert your moronic joke here: __________________) So then I tried this:
The first time I saw you, you were taking off your shirt. But not how normal people do it, like, one arm at a time. No. You reached both arms over your head and pulled it up from the back… all sexy like.
You were stripping because everybody wanted to see your first tattoo (so new it was still covered in plastic wrap and vaseline). And this was way before everyone and their grandma went and got a corny tribal arm band. It was before tramp stamps and shoulder fairies and ankle dolphins and it was before everybody got a chinese proverb on their butt or wherever. It was almost as if you were the first person on the face of the planet to get a tattoo, the way everyone was looking at you like you were crazy. You were like 18 and a day. And so cute.
But I didn’t actually meet you that day. I just saw you from behind, taking your shirt off like a Chip-n-Dale dancer. And I liked it…..a lot.
I always thought it was weird that Superman liked Lois Lane. I mean, he was freaking Superman. And she was this sort of average, boring, snotty chick with a crappy car and an icky voice. Ridiculous.
Yeah. I actually wrote “ridiculous” and felt embarrassment when I tapped out that little gem.
What am I gonna do???