I love my kids. I really do. Like, I LOVE THEM… a lot.
But summer, you guys. Summer is killing me.
Summer is… how do I say this nicely?… Summer is putting a strain on our relationship. (That sounds better than “Summer makes me want to eat my offspring”, doesn’t it.)
Don’t get me wrong, I love the carefree feel of summer break. I love the days of no schedule; sleeping in, laying around, grazing all day, hanging out, going wherever whenever. I love having my boys around and spending time with them and feeding them and listening to them joke around the way brothers do.
It’s all so relaxed and fun and enjoyable. For like a week.
That’s how long the “Summer is awesome!” feelings last in our house. One week. Summer would be so awesome if it was one week long!
But it’s 10 weeks long.
Did you hear me?! I said T-E-N.
That’s ten whole weeks of having these two teenage boys in my house with nothing to do. They’re just here; sleeping til noon, laying across the couch, eating all day, lingering at home, expecting me to drive them wherever whenever. They are always around. Everywhere I turn, I can see them. I can smell them. And they want to be fed.They are so hungry. The hungriest. However, despite their ravenous appetites, left to their own devices they will only consume food that can be pawed directly out of a bag, or eaten with a spoon. If it requires washing, cutting, mixing, cooking, or really any kind of preparation at all, then it doesn’t exist to them. Like, they can’t even see it.They don’t see bread and ham and cheese apart from each other and think those things could become a sandwich – they actually believe that a sandwich simply appears by some sort of magic still unknown to them. I am dead serious. Wild chimpanzees have been known to do more in the way of food prep than my kids can be bothered with.
Oh, and the fighting. The “joking around”. The challenging and disagreeing and name calling. It never stops. Ever. These two can fight about anything. I mean that. If it can be spoken out loud, it can be an argument; the actual subject matter is completely irrelevant. Fact or fiction, history or contemporary, literary, science, philosophy? Doesn’t matter, let’s fight. I swear, I should start a twitter account called @fightsmykidshave and fill it with their ridiculousness all day long…
|Seriously. No one cares.|
“Our cat doesn’t have balls anymore, dumbass.”
“Yes he does, they just cut the tube thingies.”
“No, he doesn’t. They took ’em out”
“If the chili is too hot, milk will help. It’s chemistry.”
“Actually, It’s physiology.”
“YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT. IT’S CHEMISTRY.”
“Batman could kick Spiderman’s ass.”
“You’re stupid. Spiderman would crush Batman.”
“The sky is blue.”
#Shootme #Please #Imbegging
Can I tell you how many times a day I have to yell, “WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING OVER THIS?! JUST GOOGLE IT AND SHUUUTT UUUPP!”
A million times a day. That is not hyperbole.
But the worst thing about summer is the invisible man who lives with us. Seriously. Some invisible douchebag moved into our house and does random things all day long just to piss me off. I know this because when I ask my boys who left the toilet seat up, they both look at me like they’re astonished just by the thought of it, and say, “It wasn’t me.”
If I ask whose glass is on the coffee table, they’re practically offended by the question. “Well,” they both huff, “It’s not mine.”
|An invisible hipster is ruining my life.|
Who wrote ‘bite me’ in the steam on the bathroom mirror? Who left an apple core in the dryer? Who dropped a plastic bag full of dog poop in the recycling can? Who opened the windows with the a/c on? Who put their underwear in the freezer? Who ate an entire box of Cheez-its? Who put a laundry basket over the cat? Who farted?
The invisible man, that’s who.
I’m really starting to hate that guy and we’re only halfway through summer.
I mean, what am I supposed to do for five more weeks while the invisible man leaves dishes all over the house and pees all over the bathroom? How will I tolerate five more weeks of this bickering and butting of buttheads? Who can afford to feed these animals all day everyday for weeks on end. WHO INVENTED SUMMER BREAK AND WHY AREN’T THEY IN PRISON FOR THIS CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY?!?!?
Oh, relax, I’m just kidding.
Remember? At the beginning of this post I said I love my kids in all caps! (In internet language that means I am super passionate about it and it is indisputably true.)
Honestly though, I do cherish every minute of having my boys here… in my face… all the time. I know summer break is a gift. These kids won’t live at home forever and someday I’ll look back and wish I could spend ten weeks in a row with them again. But probably not.
So it’s true we may survive the second half of summer by the skin of our teeth, but we will survive. We might even have some fun along the way. I’ve already got my boys cooking dinners from scratch in an effort to show them where food comes from. Plus, they finally figured out that bikes and skateboards are actual modes of transportation that can be used to take them places. Now, if they can get rid of that pesky invisible a-hole, the next few weeks are sure to be quite a bit more enjoyable for all of us. So there’s hope.
We’re gonna make it.
When summer break finally comes to an end, my beloved children will get back to the basics; they’ll brush their teeth again, and they’ll put on some shoes, and then they will triumphantly return to school — lethargic and malnourished, dumber than ever from a summer full of video games and youtube — but, as God is my witness, they will return.
Because I love them… and want them to live.
…. ….. ….
How do you keep your kids alive all summer long? I’m open to suggestions.